Maternitas Mea Gloria Est

Without my children I am NOTHING. When I say this I mean it figuratively and literally. My children always have been and always will be my entire world. I'll be honest, at times I feel miserable that my life revolves around them. I think of what life would be like for me if I had no children and could travel the world like I always planned to do. If I could buy what I want when I want and never have to worry about anyone but myself. Would I feel fulfilled or empty on the inside?

But just as fast as these thoughts cross my mind, I look at them and I smile because there's nothing in this world that I would rather live for than them. Each one of them mean so much to me for different reasons. They each came at different seasons of my life and for that I am forever grateful. So, in honor of Mother's Day, here's a message to each of my beautiful children.

Dear Ayoni,

I have made many, many important decisions in my life but having you was by far the biggest decision I've ever made. Finding out I was pregnant with you on my 16th birthday was surreal. It was scary. It was confusing. But I promise you, from that very day I knew that I was going to bring you into this world and do whatever I had to do to provide you with the best possible life that I could at my young age.

Life hasn't always been easy for you and I. We've had so many ups and downs and not only have I watched you grow, you've watched me do the same. From 1000 mile moves, to trouble at home and in school, failed relationships and so much more. We've fought so many battles together and sometimes I feel guilty about how much you had to endure being the oldest and coming at a time in my life where I could barely take care of me, let alone you. Nevertheless, you've always been SO strong and SO mature for your age. Always holding your momma down, through the good, the bad and the ugly. You are so smart, so talented and so ambitious! Sometimes you give me strength without even knowing that you're doing so. Thank you.

Sometimes I find myself staring at you and wondering how I created something so beautiful. If there's one thing I know, it's that you're going to do great things in this world. You're an amazing big sister to all of your siblings. Your grandmother may not even be here right now if it wasn't for you. You are a BLESSING. You are my very first love. The bond we have can never ever be broken. No matter how much you drive me crazy, I love you and I am grateful that God chose me to be your mom. It hasn't been easy, but I hope I'm making you proud.

Dear Raymond,

You have always been my peace. Even during pregnancy, things with you were so easy. As a baby you were such a joyful little boy. My little chinaman who always wanted to be up under his mama. From day one you literally stole my heart and filled so much emptiness that I never even knew was there. As young as 3-4 years old you would try to open doors for me. Sometimes you would grab my hand and look up at me with the most innocent eyes and say "mommy you so pretty." Each time my heart would melt. It wasn't until years later that I realized that God sent you to me to show me how I deserved to be treated by a man. The love you gave me was genuine and sincere and I had never experienced that from any other male in my life. Thank you for being the reason that I finally learned my value as a woman.

You've always been so sensitive and shy but underneath you have such a big personality. You're funny and curious. You're polite and always so grateful for even the littlest things. I have always told you that you're my "easy' child and I mean that. Although it may seem that I spend more time with your sister, my love for you runs so deep for reasons not even I am able to explain. Having you was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Having you made me step up my game in this thing called motherhood. Having you has given your sister a reason to be better because I know that there's nothing in this world that she loves more than you and your brother.

I want you to know that whoever you become in this world, wherever you go, whoever you end up with, you will always be the number one man in my life. And although I cannot teach you how to be a man, I am already so proud of who you are as a person. Thank you for being the light that I needed in a time of darkness. I owe so much of who I am today to you.

Dear Kyaire,

Four years later and I'm still not really sure where you came from but I'm so happy that you're here. You gave me hell my whole pregnancy, put me through 27 long hours of labor and you haven't stopped amazing me since you've been here. There's a reason why you are the last of the Mohicans. I always knew that motherhood was no easy task but baybeeeeee you make momma WORK on a daily basis. You are so smart and independent, even before you had words to express yourself. You're stubborn and hard headed with such a strong personality. You remind me so much of your sister that's its almost a deja vous. Sometimes I ask myself "How and the hell did you get here again, Antoinette?" But then I remember, I asked for you. You were no mistake. You were no accident. You came at the perfect time and you have brought so much joy to everyone from the day you got here.

I will admit that I didn't know that starting over after almost 10 years would be so hard. Being your momma is almost like being a first time mom again but you make it so worth it. I am so grateful that I have truly gotten to experience the joys of being somewhat of a stay at home mom with you.

To me, you are absolutely perfect. From your full beautiful hair to your cute little stinky toes. Every time I look at you my heart smiles. The way you love me warms my soul. You truly are a momma's boy, just like your brother was at your age. As your siblings grow older and move into their journeys of adulthood, I look forward to the years I still have left of keeping you close. Life has been so time consuming these past four years that at times I feel guilty about my ability to really give you the attention that you need but I promise you that I am trying my very best. Every single day I am learning new ways to be a better mommy for you and every single day you show me that I am doing a great job. Thank you. You are truly my SONshine and I love you more than your little heart knows. I cant wait to see what the future holds for you and I my perfect little monster baby.

The title of this post means "Motherhood is my Glory" in Latin. It is a phrase that I have embodied with my whole entire being. So much so, that I have it tattooed on my left shoulder. No matter how tough things may get, my children always have been and always will be my everything. It's an honor to be theirs.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Amazing Mommas out there!